The Desert Rat News : 2020

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Melania Named ‘Ambassador-at-Large’ at ISSA

By Pat E. Hurst

Special to The Desert Rat News

GOTHENBURG, Sweden – One-term First Lady Melania Trump has been appointed Ambassador-at-Large for the International Stockholm Syndrome Association (ISSA).

She becomes the first First Lady – and the first Slovenian – to be honored by the Gothenburg-based organization.

“We are delighted to have Melania on board,” said Musta Skape, ISSA’s chairman and CEO. “She embodies everything we stand for. Her recent and intense experiences with Stockholm Syndrome make her the best ambassador we could hope to find in this moment.”

Thus far, Melania has downplayed -- at times, even denied -- her expertise on the subject. A spokeswoman for the Office of the FLOTUS declined to comment.

But White House spokesdoll Kayleigh McEnany, when asked about the appointment, noted that the 2020 election was rigged.

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Man in Stoli T-Shirt Sits In On Secret Pentagon Briefing; Woman in Fur Hat Makes Off With Pompeo's Xmas Tree

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – A man in an “I 💙 Putin” baseball cap and a Stolichnaya T-shirt strolled through security at the Pentagon today unnoticed and sat through most of a top-secret briefing on current U.S. defense posture.

Military police say the man listened quietly through most of the briefing, held in a secure underground bunker. As the briefing was wrapping up, however, the man was asked if he agrees with the posture, and he responded, “Da”, at which point someone in the room became suspicious.

The man was questioned, slapped on the wrist, then taken to Dulles International, where he boarded a charter flight to Yekaterinburg.

The incident is one in a long string of other unexplained – and unpunished – national security breaches, including the recent cyber-espionage attacks on the U.S. departments of State, Homeland Security, Treasury, and Commerce.

And just last week, a Moskvich-looking woman in a sheer dress and fur hat stole a Christmas tree from the lobby of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s executive suite.

Monday, December 14, 2020

Memo: To Save Face, Some Dems Want to Embrace Election Conspiracy

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

WASHINGTON – A leaked memo from the Democratic National Committee reveals that many Democrats – hungry for ANY PROOF that the party is competent – are eager to embrace the right-wingnut claims that the 2020 election was rigged.

“For at least the past 20 years, the party has been accused of being unable to punch its way out of a gin-soaked paper bag,” states the memo. “Despite winning more votes, we lost the White House, twice. We lost the entire Congress. Hell, we couldn’t even get our Iowa caucuses right.”

The memo proposes that the party embrace Trump’s bald-assed lie that the Democrats orchestrated the greatest electoral conspiracy by dumping millions of fraudulent ballots in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Georgia, and Arizona, and by persuading Republican and Democratic elections officials, Republican and Democratic judges, and even the U.S. Supreme Court (two-thirds Republican) to turn a blind eye.

“What an achievement! This shows that, by golly, we know what we’re doing, and that we can actually pull something off,” the memo states.

A DNC spokeswoman confirmed the existence of the memo but declined to comment because nobody at DNC headquarters could locate it.

Friday, December 11, 2020

Barron Joins Slovenian Circus, Begs Dad to Disown Him

By Yuro Traschgerle

Desert Rat News foreign correspondent

LJUBLJANA, Slovenia – Barron Trump, the youngest and most-promising child of one-term U.S. President Donald Trump, has fled the family dynasty to join the performing troupe Circus Slovenia.
The 14-year-old reportedly fled Mar-a-Lago two days ago in the bed of a pickup truck after disguising himself as an undocumented groundskeeper. He then reportedly boarded a plane at Miami International for eastern Europe.

In a TikTok video posted earlier today from atop Ljubljana Castle, Barron, who holds dual citizenship in Slovenia due to his mother, pleaded for the president to pardon him for being born a Trump, and asked to be disowned.

“Please, Daddy, please, do me this one favor,” he said in the video. “I cannot bear to be a teenager and a Trump at the same time.”

The president, who was golfing, could not be reached for comment, but White House spokesdoll Kayleigh McEnany reiterated that the 2020 election was stolen.

Thursday, December 10, 2020

Trump Commands Utah to End Protection of Seagull

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

SALT LAKE CITY – President Trump today ordered Utah to end state protection for the California gull, a bird that Mormons hold dear.

“WHY are you protecting a CALIFORNIAN?!?” the one-term president tweeted early this morning. “If Utahns loved me as much voted (sic), you wouldn't be a SANCTUAREY (sic) CITY for the damn California seagulls!!!”

Utah Sen. Mike Lee immediately called on the Utah theocracy to obey the yam-faced king.

“Remove protections for the gull!” the roly-poly Lee wrote on his Facebook page. Lee also said Utah church-state officials also should tear down the monuments to the California gull found on and near Temple Square downtown.

The gull achieved Biblical stature among Mormons in the mid-19th century, when church leaders decided they, like the ancient Jews, needed a miracle for themselves. As the story goes, a swarm of crickets descended upon their crops in 1848. The Mormons then offered thoughts and prayers, after which hordes of California gulls swooped in to gulp up the insects like grated-carrot-topped Jello salad at a church BBQ.

Decades later, the gull became the official state bird.

Though Trump publicly has tried to make the seagull issue political, a leaked White House memo indicates that Don Jr. requested the intervention because he needs something easy to kill on his next family vacation to Utah.

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Trump Supporters Outwit Desert Rat News

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

By demanding that the world give full credit to the president for the COVID-19 vaccine – but refusing to get vaccinated themselves – Trump supporters have upstaged The Desert Rat News in its quest to be the nation’s leading source of political funniness.

“This is outrageous! How can they be so ironic?” a visibly upset Malcolm Tent, editor and publisher of The Desert Rat News, reportedly yelled across the newsroom.

Tent also was angry that his writers didn’t predict that some Trump supporters in Georgia who claimed the November election was rigged still plan to vote in the January runoff.

Staff writers and mid-level editors were scurrying Tuesday to find equally funny storylines, while at the same trying to assure Tent that these Trump supporters were not being funny on purpose.

Monday, December 7, 2020

Republicans Yawn as Clinton Issues Pardons

GOP leaders confer in the Rose Garden

By Gerda Loadathys

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – Days after President Hillary Clinton issued a slew of pardons, Republicans remained silent.

“I haven't really thought too much about it,” said House minority leader Kevin McCarthy when asked about the pardons.

Clinton pardoned former President Obama, Ambassador to the UN Susan Rice and other State Department officials from any prosecutions for the deadly 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya.

The president also pardoned daughter Chelsea for no apparent reason, to which one aide quipped, “If she needs a pardon, she must be guilty of something.”

And in a move that is unprecedented -- and possibly unconstitutional -- Clinton pardoned herself for the email scandal in which she used a personal server for work and deleted thousands of emails.

Republicans have been highly critical of President Clinton’s handling of the Benghazi case when she was secretary of State, and have wanted to lock her up for the email debacle. Some pundits say the GOP leaders are silent because they want their own future president to have the same freedoms to abuse the pardon.

But renowned American history scholar Nozalot Morthanu dismissed that theory.

“The GOP would never support the pardoning of family or close friends or associates. And a president pardoning himself or herself? Republicans simply would not tolerate such a thing.”

Saturday, December 5, 2020

FBI Probe Confirms Giuliani Shat on America

By Otto B. Ala

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – An FBI investigation has confirmed that the once-well-regarded but now highly deranged Rudolph Giuliani defecated on the United States of America.

The investigation was launched after officials found feces on the U.S. Constitution's clauses that establish a separation of powers in the government, due process, and states' rights.

At first, investigators believed the poop to be that of a penguin. But a forensics test at Quantico, Va., matched the waste with samples collected from a Depends recovered in an FBI search of Giuliani's Georgetown apartment.

The offense comes on the heels of recent related incidents in which Giuliani farted loudly and repeatedly during a fake hearing in Michigan; held a press conference next to a sex shop in Philadelphia; colored his hair with used motor oil in Washington, D.C.; and fondled himself in a Manhattan hotel room in front of a young female actor.

The former New York City mayor, now a foreign agent, could not be reached for comment. But his spokesman, Vypedat Smirkov-Yafez, said Giuliani still has the complete support of the president.

“P.P. very, very pleased. Yes, yes. Very pleased. And happy. Very, very happy,” Smirkov-Yafez said in a phone interview from his office in Sevastopol.

Thursday, December 3, 2020

MAGA Hat Found With Remains of Prehistoric Neanderthal

Neanderthal circa 2020 Neanderthal circa 150,000 B.C.E.

By Ayatolla Yuso

Desert Rat News science writer

ALTAMURA, Italy – Archaeologists in southern Italy have discovered what appears to be a “Make America Great Again” hat among the well-preserved remains of the Neanderthal who fell into a sinkhole about 150,000 years ago.

The discovery is the strongest forensic evidence so far to back a growing anthropological consensus that support for Trump among Neanderthals dates from much further than previously believed.

“Until now, most of us thought Trump's support started with a handful of German cavemen in the Third Reich,” said Ricco Ossobuco, professor of anthropology at the University of Bari. “The discovery of this red hat proves that he was popular among Italian Neanderthals quite a bit earlier.”

While it is unknown what language the Neanderthals spoke 150,000 years ago, the discovery is now leading scientists to believe it may have been an early form of Russian.

The Neanderthal skeleton known as "Altamura Man" was discovered in 1993 in a karst grotto outside the town of Altamura, near the heel of the boot-shaped Italian peninsula. He is believed to have fallen into a deep hole in the grotto and died of thirst or starvation.

Ossobuco said he is not surprised that a MAGA hat was found with Altamura Man.

“The modern parallels are remarkable -- and poetic. Altamura man fell into a sinkhole, while today's Neanderthals fell into a stinkhole.”

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

President Orders All U.S. Flags to Feature Him

By Helsa Freisenuber

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – By executive order, President Trump today commanded that all American flags bear his name or image.

The edict came just hours after the one-term president learned from History Channel that the 250-year-old flag has several symbolic meanings, none of which has anything to do with him.

“I AM AMERIKA!” the lame duck tweeted. “The flag shoudl (sic) reflect THAT!!!”

Taking effect at midnight, the "My Amerikan Flag Is Awesome" (MAFIA) order requires that no less than 33 percent of the flag’s surface area be covered with Trump’s headshot and/or name. Slogans such as "Trump 2024" and "MAGA!" are optional.

Word of the order spread quickly as Trump loyalists rushed to obey, with U.S. Sycophantery of State Mike Pimpeo becoming the first to raise the "Trump-Splattered Banner."

As part of his pledge to have a police state firmly in place by Jan. 20, MAFIA also requires the flag’s colors to change from red-white-and-blue to black-white-and-blue, although splotches of orange will be allowed for the president's face and hair.

Monday, November 30, 2020

Tom Selleck Signs Up for Medicare Advantage; Joe Namath Takes Out Reverse Mortgage

By Gerda Loadathys

Desert Rat News entertainment writer

HOLLYWOOD – In what could go down as two of the most curious moves in celebrity finance history, actor Tom Selleck has signed up for Medicare Advantage, and football legend Joe Namath has taken out a reverse mortgage.

Sources confirmed that earlier this month, the 75-year-old Selleck -- with an estimated net worth of more than $21 million as well as a health policy through the National Rifle Association -- signed up for the Medicare plan.

About the same time, Hall of Fame quarterback Namath, 77, took out a reverse mortgage from American Advisors Group (AAG) on his mansion in Florida, despite having no apparent liquidity concerns.

It was not clear why the two stars made the moves, but one source noted that both are big consumers of daytime television, where Namath pitches Medicare Advantage on behalf of a call center, and Selleck hawks reverse mortgages for AAG.

“These two hucksters are very persuasive – and, at their age, very persuadable, too. So they probably just talked themselves into each other’s thing.”

Namath could not be reached for comment, but in an interview by phone, Selleck, who starred in the 1980s TV series "Magnum P.I.," hinted it was because of Namath.

“You know, I really don’t even like football. I’m a baseball guy. But I’ve always liked Joe, ever since he started wearing those pantyhose.”

https://twitter.com/DesertRatNews

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Trump Lawyers Shoot, Miss on 5th Avenue

By Heydja Hearthisone

Desert Rat News staff writer

NEW YORK CITY – President Trump’s lawyers, Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis, tried to shoot somebody today on Fifth Avenue but missed.

The incident occurred near 56th Street about 10:30 EST, shortly after the president tweeted, “I’M SOOO DISAPPOINTED AT MY LAWYERS. Such LOSERS!!! So VERY ANGRY! I want to go SHOOT SOMEBODY down on FILTH (sic) AVENUE!!!”

The tweet followed yet another catastrophe for the president’s legal team, who have been laughed repeatedly out of court for falsely claiming the 2020 elections were rigged. On Friday, a three-person U.S. 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals panel, made up entirely of GOP-appointed judges, including one Trump picked himself, refused to reverse a lower court’s ruling, and then, for good measure, ripped the lawyers a new arse.

“You are, by far, the dumbest, most incompetent, and clownish counsel that this court has ever had to suffer,” the ruling stated in its opening paragraph.

Police said Ellis, who once called Trump an “idiot” before realizing she could make a lot of money defending him, and Giuliani, who likes to play with himself in the presence of young female TV reporters, drove uptown, stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and opened fire with Makarov pistols gifted to them by the Russian Ambassador.

Despite the crowd of holiday shoppers, their shots missed badly.

Pundits are now left with the onerous task of deciding whether to dub Giuliani and Ellis “The Gang That Couldn’t Sue Straight” . . . or the one that couldn't shoot straight.

Friday, November 27, 2020

Mattel Sues McEnany for Trademark Infringement

By Jess Shutemi

Desert Rat News business writer

LOS ANGELES – Toymaker Mattel Inc. today filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

The civil complaint follows three cease-and-desist letters that attorneys for the El Segundo-based company have sent to McEnany since she assumed the position under President Trump in April.

Filed in U.S. District Court, the lawsuit alleges that McEnany’s dress, demeanor, makeup, and IQ are “a blatant ripoff of the most iconic toy doll in world history.”

The Barbie, based originally on a German street walker, was first sold in 1959 and has since had more than 500 makeovers.

“Defendant McEnany continues to exploit for her own personal and political gain the decades of creativity and marketing on the part of Mattel,” states the lawsuit.

McEnany – who has risen to fame recently by lying about everything Trump does – could not be reached for comment.

But her attorney, Bim Beau DuFender, said the lawsuit is without merit, pointing to a trademark action that Mattel filed against MCA Records and Danish rock band Aqua for the 1997 hit song “Barbie Girl.” Mattel lost after the courts ruled the song was protected as parody under the First Amendment.

“We will be making the exact same argument,” DuFender said. “It doesn't take a legal genius to see that Ms. McEnany is a walking, talking parody.”

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Mormon Church Investigates Desert Monolith

By O. Lee Sheet

Desert Rat News religion writer

SALT LAKE CITY – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints today launched its own investigation into the origins of a large steel monolith located in southeastern Utah’s redrock desert.

The shiny rectangular structure, about 12 feet high and a couple of feet wide and deep, was discovered by wildlife biologists in a helicopter who were monitoring wild bighorn sheep in the area. It is similar to a structure depicted in the landmark film “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

The Mormon Church dispatched a team of archaeologists from Brigham Young University to the site, and offered a reward of up to $1,820 for information on the true origins of the monolith.

Church spokesman Pat Rayark declined to comment on why the structure has attracted the attention of the church, but LaVarr R. “Mo” Skeptik, head of research at the Sunstone Education Foundation, speculated that it is simple jealousy.

“Remember that Utah’s Legislature is 90 percent Mormon. The governor is Mormon. The entire state supreme court is Mormon.

“You can bet your bottom dollar that the church wants to maintain itself as the state’s one and only monolith.”

Monday, November 23, 2020

Turkey Refuses Pardon, Will Proceed to Slaughter

By Imso Overu

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – The Thanksgiving bird selected this year for a presidential pardon said he plans to refuse the gesture and will proceed to his scheduled slaughter.

The White House over the weekend announced that President Trump would pardon Thomas B. Turchi, from Butterball’s North Division in Goldsboro, N.C., in the annual tradition in which the president uses his Constitutional powers to set one gobbler free for the holidays.

The president plans to sign the pardon proclamation today between the 13th and 14th holes at Trump National Golf Club in Loudoun Count, Va.

But in an exclusive interview with The Desert Rat News, a defiant Turchi said he wants no part of the lame duck's largesse.

“Just look at who else that yam-faced buffoon has pardoned,” Turchi said. “Blagojevich. Arpaio, Libby. Milken. Stone … No way do I want to be lumped in with that gaggle of looney loons. Trump can go cluck himself.”

Turchi, who weighs 16 pounds and already has had a pop-up thermometer surgically implanted into his left breast, is set for the stump and ax at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

Turchi becomes the first of his species to refuse the presidential pardon. Only one human has refused, in 1830, when condemned robber George Wilson told Andrew Jackson to stick his pardon where the sun don’t shine.

Saturday, November 21, 2020

‘Grills on Wheels’ to Help States Cope with COVID

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – Stung by growing criticism that he is not doing enough to assist states during the COVID-19 pandemic, President Trump tweeted early this morning that “HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!”

It will arrive in the form of dozens of mobile cremation units (MCUs), which the White House Coronavirus Task Force will dispatch across the nation to assist in disposing of human bodies piling up in morgues, parking lots, and football fields.

The skyrocketing mortality of the 9-month-old pandemic – which, at nearly 400,000 deaths, is seven times the number of American lives lost in the Vietnam War that Trump refused to serve in – has become a huge embarrassment for the president.

Dubbed “Grills on Wheels," the MCUs are expected to drastically reduce the spectacle of dead people overflowing from freezers and refrigerated semitrailers, as is happening, for example, in El Paso and other parts of Texas.

“You know how much the president hates criticism and bad press,” said a top White House adviser. “But what he hates even more is dead people. He likes people who don’t die. ‘Grills on Wheels’ will definitely help him with his image and legacy.”

Designed by Steve Bannon and patented in China, the MCUs are being manufactured in Hungary by Ivanka Industries Inc., with financing diverted from the $2 trillion stimulus package passed by Congress last March.

Thursday, November 19, 2020

Giuliani Sticks Hand in Apparel Industry

By Wile E. Peyote

Desert Rat News business editor

NEW YORK CITY – Amerika’s mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is set to open his own line of casual shirts in coming weeks, according to three sources on Wall Street familiar with the deal.

Incorporated on the Caribbean island of Taxhavena, Giuliani's company will operate under the label "FukIt&TukIt," with shirts offered in three distinct styles -- "Reptile," "Rodent," and "Gotham Penguin."

Made from the fur of South Florida citrus rats, the shirts will be manufactured in a Leningrad factory by trolls laid off as a result of the better-than-anticipated success of the president's own social media accounts.

FukIt&TukIt appears to be an attempt by Giuliani to cash in on fame achieved last month in “Borat: Subsequent Moviefilm," in which the geriatric former mayor of New York City can be seen lying on a hotel room bed, his hand deep into his britches, in the presence of a 20-year-old woman posing as a TV reporter.

The once-respected but now deranged Giuliani said later that he was just tucking in his shirt.

“I assure you, that’s all that I was doing,” said Giuliani, who traces his Italian roots to the Gepetto family, from the medieval town of Collodi.

FukIt&TukIt, analysts say, is likely to go the same way as two other of Giuliani’s recent and notable failures, one as a foreign spy (Kremlin codename: “Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Asset”), and as a post-election legal strategist.

Tuesday, November 17, 2020

With Failures Mounting, Trump Sues Himself

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

WASHINGTON – Facing epic failures as a presidential candidate and a wanna-be mob boss, not to mention as president of the United States, Donald J. Trump today filed legal action against himself and his criminal enterprises.

The federal lawsuit – Donald J. Trump v. Donald J. Trump, et al. – seeks $1.65 billion in compensatory damages resulting from loss of future income from bribery, extortion, and emoluments, and $3 million in punitive damages for "nastiness resulting in me feeling very very bad."

In a press release, Trump’s attorney, the deranged former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, said recent events left the disgraced president with no choice, given that the pool of defendants has dried up.

“He has no one left to sue but himself,” said the geriatric Giuliani, who represents both the plaintiff and defendants. “Basically, what the president is saying is, ‘What the hell do I have to lose?’ He’s angry that he and everything around him are losing so miserably.”

Giuliani, who likes to fondle himself in the presence of young female TV reporters, was referring to Trump’s recent legal losses in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, and Georgia – all states where voters rejected the yam-faced buffoon in the November 3 elections.

The failed election challenges follow a pattern of similar failed legal actions by Trump. The Vietnam War draft dodger and wannabe dictator has sued more than 4,500 times in his lifetime but rarely with success.

Legal experts say this lawsuit will almost assuredly be thrown out of court.

“It’s not a question of whether the claims have merit. They do,” said Ignatz Schwartz, department chair at Ivy University’s School of Law. “This lawsuit is doomed because both the plaintiff and the defendants – not to mention their attorney – are completely incompetent.”

Monday, November 16, 2020

Trump Announces Plans for Presidential Library

By Getchyer Yawyasout

Desert Rat News staff writer

DULLES, Virginia – Though Donald J. Trump still has two excruciatingly long months to go as America’s greatest non-president, plans are well underway for a presidential library that will bear his name.

The Yam Faced Buffoon Book Room, or “Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo,” will be located in a Dulles area strip mall, sandwiched between the Stormy's Dream gentlemen’s club and Rudy’s Secret adult toy boutique.

With precisely the same square-footage as the Wendy's across the street, Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo will be divided into three sections, the largest of which will be “Vladimir’s Favorite Russian Authors.”

The next most prominent section will be called “Unopened/Unread" and will house a number of works and documents donated to Trump during his reign of terror. To be auctioned off to help pay his mounting legal bills, works in this section include How To Win Friends and Influence People; Emotional Intelligence; The Holy Bible; the Constitution of the United States of America; and Lyrics to the Star-Spangled Banner.

The third section, called the “Permanently Marked Collection,” will allow visitors to thumb through several of the president’s coloring books, all of which were partially completed with a black Sharpie. The new library also will have a gift shop, whose merchandise will be limited to surplus MAGA hats and the president’s forthcoming autobiography, Mein Coif: A Lifelong Struggle With My Hair.

The library also will feature a snack-bar serving the Chinese-trademarked “IvankaBurger,” which will occasionally have a tiny kishke inside it.

Eric Trump, the president’s son and Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo's chief historian, said in a press release that Dulles and Virginia were chosen for their historical significance.

“You may not know this, but the president is a big fan of Daniel Boone and the Alamo. However, Ohio was too far away, so we decided to put it here in Dulles since this is where Ted Cruz’s daddy shot JR.”

Saturday, November 14, 2020

After Shellacking, President Bans Arithmetic

By Heydja Hearabouthis
Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – Saying numbers are “very, very nasty” to him, President Trump signed an executive order today banning the use of arithmetic and two other types of mathematics in the United States and its territories.

Coming on the heels of a tremendous shellacking at the hands of Democrat rival Joe Biden, the order—which goes into effect at midnight EST—will make it a felony for any citizen or alien to use addition, subtraction, division, or multiplication. The order also bans algebra and calculus.

Trigonometry and geometry were spared in the order, reportedly because the president enjoys drawing triangles with a Sharpie.

Just hours after every being informed of his tremendous shellacking, at a hastily called press conference in the James S. Brady Briefing Room, the president, who appeared to sniffle much more than normal, whined loudly about the shellacking.

“Numbers have always being very, very nasty to me,” Trump said. “Just look at the so-called ‘percentages.’ One minute they are this, the next minute they that. It’s incredible. Just incredible. They go up for the other guy, but down for me. Can you believe that? The numbers are incredibly biased. So incredibly biased. Trump-hating numbers. There’s definitely something going on.”

While the order appears to be a kneejerk reaction to the tremendous shellacking at the polls, sources confirmed that it also is meant to keep White House staffers from counting down the days until January 20, 2021.

In a related development, Trump's former top adviser, Steve Bannon -- facing charges he bilked millions of dollars from the president’s unfathomably gullible supporters -- called for the posthumous beheadings of Archimedes, Euclid, Pythagoras, Galileo, and Sir Isaac Newton.