By Heydja Hearabouthis
Desert Rat News staff writer
WASHINGTON – Saying numbers are “very, very nasty” to him, President Trump signed an executive order today banning the use of arithmetic and two other types of mathematics in the United States and its territories.
Coming on the heels of a tremendous shellacking at the hands of Democrat rival Joe Biden, the order—which goes into effect at midnight EST—will make it a felony for any citizen or alien to use addition, subtraction, division, or multiplication. The order also bans algebra and calculus.
Trigonometry and geometry were spared in the order, reportedly because the president enjoys drawing triangles with a Sharpie.
Just hours after every being informed of his tremendous shellacking, at a hastily called press conference in the James S. Brady Briefing Room, the president, who appeared to sniffle much more than normal, whined loudly about the shellacking.
“Numbers have always being very, very nasty to me,” Trump said. “Just look at the so-called ‘percentages.’ One minute they are this, the next minute they that. It’s incredible. Just incredible. They go up for the other guy, but down for me. Can you believe that? The numbers are incredibly biased. So incredibly biased. Trump-hating numbers. There’s definitely something going on.”
While the order appears to be a kneejerk reaction to the tremendous shellacking at the polls, sources confirmed that it also is meant to keep White House staffers from counting down the days until January 20, 2021.
In a related development, Trump's former top adviser, Steve Bannon -- facing charges he bilked millions of dollars from the president’s unfathomably gullible supporters -- called for the posthumous beheadings of Archimedes, Euclid, Pythagoras, Galileo, and Sir Isaac Newton.
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