The Desert Rat News : 2020-11-29

Saturday, December 5, 2020

FBI Probe Confirms Giuliani Shat on America

By Otto B. Ala

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – An FBI investigation has confirmed that the once-well-regarded but now highly deranged Rudolph Giuliani defecated on the United States of America.

The investigation was launched after officials found feces on the U.S. Constitution's clauses that establish a separation of powers in the government, due process, and states' rights.

At first, investigators believed the poop to be that of a penguin. But a forensics test at Quantico, Va., matched the waste with samples collected from a Depends recovered in an FBI search of Giuliani's Georgetown apartment.

The offense comes on the heels of recent related incidents in which Giuliani farted loudly and repeatedly during a fake hearing in Michigan; held a press conference next to a sex shop in Philadelphia; colored his hair with used motor oil in Washington, D.C.; and fondled himself in a Manhattan hotel room in front of a young female actor.

The former New York City mayor, now a foreign agent, could not be reached for comment. But his spokesman, Vypedat Smirkov-Yafez, said Giuliani still has the complete support of the president.

“P.P. very, very pleased. Yes, yes. Very pleased. And happy. Very, very happy,” Smirkov-Yafez said in a phone interview from his office in Sevastopol.

Thursday, December 3, 2020

MAGA Hat Found With Remains of Prehistoric Neanderthal

Neanderthal circa 2020 Neanderthal circa 150,000 B.C.E.

By Ayatolla Yuso

Desert Rat News science writer

ALTAMURA, Italy – Archaeologists in southern Italy have discovered what appears to be a “Make America Great Again” hat among the well-preserved remains of the Neanderthal who fell into a sinkhole about 150,000 years ago.

The discovery is the strongest forensic evidence so far to back a growing anthropological consensus that support for Trump among Neanderthals dates from much further than previously believed.

“Until now, most of us thought Trump's support started with a handful of German cavemen in the Third Reich,” said Ricco Ossobuco, professor of anthropology at the University of Bari. “The discovery of this red hat proves that he was popular among Italian Neanderthals quite a bit earlier.”

While it is unknown what language the Neanderthals spoke 150,000 years ago, the discovery is now leading scientists to believe it may have been an early form of Russian.

The Neanderthal skeleton known as "Altamura Man" was discovered in 1993 in a karst grotto outside the town of Altamura, near the heel of the boot-shaped Italian peninsula. He is believed to have fallen into a deep hole in the grotto and died of thirst or starvation.

Ossobuco said he is not surprised that a MAGA hat was found with Altamura Man.

“The modern parallels are remarkable -- and poetic. Altamura man fell into a sinkhole, while today's Neanderthals fell into a stinkhole.”

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

President Orders All U.S. Flags to Feature Him

By Helsa Freisenuber

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – By executive order, President Trump today commanded that all American flags bear his name or image.

The edict came just hours after the one-term president learned from History Channel that the 250-year-old flag has several symbolic meanings, none of which has anything to do with him.

“I AM AMERIKA!” the lame duck tweeted. “The flag shoudl (sic) reflect THAT!!!”

Taking effect at midnight, the "My Amerikan Flag Is Awesome" (MAFIA) order requires that no less than 33 percent of the flag’s surface area be covered with Trump’s headshot and/or name. Slogans such as "Trump 2024" and "MAGA!" are optional.

Word of the order spread quickly as Trump loyalists rushed to obey, with U.S. Sycophantery of State Mike Pimpeo becoming the first to raise the "Trump-Splattered Banner."

As part of his pledge to have a police state firmly in place by Jan. 20, MAFIA also requires the flag’s colors to change from red-white-and-blue to black-white-and-blue, although splotches of orange will be allowed for the president's face and hair.

Monday, November 30, 2020

Tom Selleck Signs Up for Medicare Advantage; Joe Namath Takes Out Reverse Mortgage

By Gerda Loadathys

Desert Rat News entertainment writer

HOLLYWOOD – In what could go down as two of the most curious moves in celebrity finance history, actor Tom Selleck has signed up for Medicare Advantage, and football legend Joe Namath has taken out a reverse mortgage.

Sources confirmed that earlier this month, the 75-year-old Selleck -- with an estimated net worth of more than $21 million as well as a health policy through the National Rifle Association -- signed up for the Medicare plan.

About the same time, Hall of Fame quarterback Namath, 77, took out a reverse mortgage from American Advisors Group (AAG) on his mansion in Florida, despite having no apparent liquidity concerns.

It was not clear why the two stars made the moves, but one source noted that both are big consumers of daytime television, where Namath pitches Medicare Advantage on behalf of a call center, and Selleck hawks reverse mortgages for AAG.

“These two hucksters are very persuasive – and, at their age, very persuadable, too. So they probably just talked themselves into each other’s thing.”

Namath could not be reached for comment, but in an interview by phone, Selleck, who starred in the 1980s TV series "Magnum P.I.," hinted it was because of Namath.

“You know, I really don’t even like football. I’m a baseball guy. But I’ve always liked Joe, ever since he started wearing those pantyhose.”

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