Rioters’ Poopstains Named After Members of Congress

By Imso Overu

Desert Rat News staff writer

        WASHINGTON – A number of hard-to-remove fecal stains left behind by the hillbilly terrorists who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6 have been named after the members of Congress who helped foment the violent insurrection.

        The president of the Republican History and Preservation Society,  I. Oui-D’Allover, explained that the stains were carefully curated and named to memorialize each senator or House member who voted against a constitutional process that has served the United States well for 234 years.

        A bulging and oddly shaped brown-and-black hair-specked splotch behind the Sam Houston sculpture in Statuary Hall was christened the “Cruz Crapper.” It will memorialize the Texas senator whose fiery rhetoric helped persuade overweight, white, middle-aged men to put on their G.I. Joe costumes, invade the Capitol, assault police officers, and attempt to murder his colleagues.

        A scat mark in the shape of a fascist fist salute is now the “Josh Blemish,” named for Missouri’s senatorial equivalent of Barney Fife, while the “Pete Sessions Shitstain” – from a small dump a rioter took in an obscure hallway – will honor the freshman carpetbagger from Waco.

        A thin, pinkish excremental skidmark next to Brigham Young is now the “Chris Stewart Smear,” for the alt-right congressman from Utah.

        “We cannot stress enough how elated we are that these ignominious bowel movements will not be forgotten,” said Oui-D’Allover.

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U.S. to Designate Pompeo a State Sponsor of Narcissism

Mike Pompeo

 

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

     WASHINGTON – Hours before it will start making America leader of the free world again, the new administration announced it will place Mike Pompeo on the list of international State Sponsors of Narcissism. 

      President Trump’s top personal errand boy abroad since April 2018, Pompeo "has systematically destroyed democratic institutions and upended hard-won alliances around the world – all in unwavering loyalty and sycophantic self-subjugation to the Dear Leader,” according to a statement from the Office of the President-Elect.

        “The Secretary of State has alienated America’s friends, misjudged our adversaries, coddled dictators, allowed attacks on journalists, and failed to defend his own colleagues, thereby running the U.S. Department of State – once an internationally formidable diplomatic force – into the ground.

        “In short, Secretary Pimpeo (sic) has been very naughty,” the statement concludes.

      Pompeo, whom historians consider the worst secretary of state in modern times, was dacha-hunting in Moscow’s western suburbs over the weekend and could not be reached for comment.

        But his press office released the following statement:

        “The Secretary does not dispute the typo. However, he is very upset to be designated a State Sponsor of Narcissism."

        Sources told The Desert Rat News that the new administration's action caused Pompeo's face, normally pink like a Kansas sow's belly, to turn a ghoulish bright red, alarming the handful of staffers still left at the Department.

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