‘Grills on Wheels’ to Help States Cope with COVID

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

    WASHINGTON – Stung by growing criticism that he is not doing enough to assist states during the COVID-19 pandemic, President Trump tweeted early this morning that “HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!”

    It will arrive in the form of dozens of mobile cremation units (MCUs), which the White House Coronavirus Task Force will dispatch across the nation to assist in disposing of human bodies piling up in morgues, parking lots, and football fields.

    The skyrocketing mortality of the 9-month-old pandemic – which, at nearly 400,000 deaths, is seven times the number of American lives lost in the Vietnam War that Trump refused to serve in – has become a huge embarrassment for the president.

    Dubbed “Grills on Wheels," the MCUs are expected to drastically reduce the spectacle of dead people overflowing from freezers and refrigerated semitrailers, as is happening, for example, in El Paso and other parts of Texas.

    “You know how much the president hates criticism and bad press,” said a top White House adviser. “But what he hates even more is dead people. He likes people who don’t die. ‘Grills on Wheels’ will definitely help him with his image and legacy.”

     Designed by Steve Bannon and patented in China, the MCUs are being manufactured in Hungary by Ivanka Industries Inc., with financing diverted from the $2 trillion stimulus package passed by Congress last March.

© 2020 The Desert Rat News

Giuliani Sticks Hand in Apparel Industry

By Wile E. Peyote

Desert Rat News business editor

    NEW YORK CITY – Amerika’s mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is set to open his own line of casual shirts in coming weeks, according to three sources on Wall Street familiar with the deal.

    Incorporated on the Caribbean island of Taxhavena, Giuliani's company will operate under the label "FukIt&TukIt," with shirts offered in three distinct styles -- "Reptile," "Rodent," and "Gotham Penguin."

     Made from the fur of South Florida citrus rats, the shirts will be manufactured in a Leningrad factory by trolls laid off as a result of the better-than-anticipated success of the president's own social media accounts.

    FukIt&TukIt appears to be an attempt by Giuliani to cash in on fame achieved last month in “Borat: Subsequent Moviefilm," in which the geriatric former mayor of New York City can be seen lying on a hotel room bed, his hand deep into his britches, in the presence of a 20-year-old woman posing as a TV reporter.

    The once-respected but now deranged Giuliani said later that he was just tucking in his shirt.

    “I assure you, that’s all that I was doing,” said Giuliani, who traces his Italian roots to the Gepetto family, from the medieval town of Collodi.

     FukIt&TukIt, analysts say, is likely to go the same way as two other of Giuliani’s recent and notable failures, one as a foreign spy (Kremlin codename: “Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Asset”), and as a post-election legal strategist.

© 2020 The Desert Rat News

With Failures Mounting, Trump Sues Himself

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

    WASHINGTON – Facing epic failures as a presidential candidate and a wanna-be mob boss, not to mention as president of the United States, Donald J. Trump today filed legal action against himself and his criminal enterprises.

    The federal lawsuit – Donald J. Trump v. Donald J. Trump, et al. – seeks $1.65 billion in compensatory damages resulting from loss of future income from bribery, extortion, and emoluments, and $3 million in punitive damages for "nastiness resulting in me feeling very very bad."

    In a press release, Trump’s attorney, the deranged former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, said recent events left the disgraced president with no choice, given that the pool of defendants has dried up.

    “He has no one left to sue but himself,” said the geriatric Giuliani, who represents both the plaintiff and defendants. “Basically, what the president is saying is, ‘What the hell do I have to lose?’ He’s angry that he and everything around him are losing so miserably.”

    Giuliani, who likes to fondle himself in the presence of young female TV reporters, was referring to Trump’s recent legal losses in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, and Georgia – all states where voters rejected the yam-faced buffoon in the November 3 elections.

     The failed election challenges follow a pattern of similar failed legal actions by Trump. The Vietnam War draft dodger and wannabe dictator has sued more than 4,500 times in his lifetime but rarely with success.

    Legal experts say this lawsuit will almost assuredly be thrown out of court.

    “It’s not a question of whether the claims have merit. They do,” said Ignatz Schwartz, department chair at Ivy University’s School of Law. “This lawsuit is doomed because both the plaintiff and the defendants – not to mention their attorney – are completely incompetent.”

Trump Announces Plans for Presidential Library

By Getchyer Yawyasout

Desert Rat News staff writer

    DULLES, Virginia – Though Donald J. Trump still has two excruciatingly long months to go as America’s greatest non-president, plans are well underway for a presidential library that will bear his name.

    The Yam Faced Buffoon Book Room, or “Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo,” will be located in a Dulles area strip mall, sandwiched between the Stormy's Dream gentlemen’s club and Rudy’s Secret adult toy boutique.

    With precisely the same square-footage as the Wendy's across the street, Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo will be divided into three sections, the largest of which will be “Vladimir’s Favorite Russian Authors.”

    The next most prominent section will be called “Unopened/Unread" and will house a number of works and documents donated to Trump during his reign of terror. To be auctioned off to help pay his mounting legal bills, works in this section include How To Win Friends and Influence People; Emotional Intelligence; The Holy Bible; the Constitution of the United States of America; and Lyrics to the Star-Spangled Banner.

    The third section, called the “Permanently Marked Collection,” will allow visitors to thumb through several of the president’s coloring books, all of which were partially completed with a black Sharpie. The new library also will have a gift shop, whose merchandise will be limited to surplus MAGA hats and the president’s forthcoming autobiography, Mein Coif: A Lifelong Struggle With My Hair.

    The library also will feature a snack-bar serving the Chinese-trademarked “IvankaBurger,” which will occasionally have a tiny kishke inside it.

    Eric Trump, the president’s son and Yafa-Buffo-Boo-Roo's chief historian, said in a press release that Dulles and Virginia were chosen for their historical significance.

    “You may not know this, but the president is a big fan of Daniel Boone and the Alamo. However, Ohio was too far away, so we decided to put it here in Dulles since this is where Ted Cruz’s daddy shot JR.”

© 2020 The Desert Rat News - All Rights Reserved