With Failures Mounting, Trump Sues Himself

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

    WASHINGTON – Facing epic failures as a presidential candidate and a wanna-be mob boss, not to mention as president of the United States, Donald J. Trump today filed legal action against himself and his criminal enterprises.

    The federal lawsuit – Donald J. Trump v. Donald J. Trump, et al. – seeks $1.65 billion in compensatory damages resulting from loss of future income from bribery, extortion, and emoluments, and $3 million in punitive damages for "nastiness resulting in me feeling very very bad."

    In a press release, Trump’s attorney, the deranged former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, said recent events left the disgraced president with no choice, given that the pool of defendants has dried up.

    “He has no one left to sue but himself,” said the geriatric Giuliani, who represents both the plaintiff and defendants. “Basically, what the president is saying is, ‘What the hell do I have to lose?’ He’s angry that he and everything around him are losing so miserably.”

    Giuliani, who likes to fondle himself in the presence of young female TV reporters, was referring to Trump’s recent legal losses in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, and Georgia – all states where voters rejected the yam-faced buffoon in the November 3 elections.

     The failed election challenges follow a pattern of similar failed legal actions by Trump. The Vietnam War draft dodger and wannabe dictator has sued more than 4,500 times in his lifetime but rarely with success.

    Legal experts say this lawsuit will almost assuredly be thrown out of court.

    “It’s not a question of whether the claims have merit. They do,” said Ignatz Schwartz, department chair at Ivy University’s School of Law. “This lawsuit is doomed because both the plaintiff and the defendants – not to mention their attorney – are completely incompetent.”