The Desert Rat News : 2020-11-22

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Trump Lawyers Shoot, Miss on 5th Avenue

By Heydja Hearthisone

Desert Rat News staff writer

NEW YORK CITY – President Trump’s lawyers, Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis, tried to shoot somebody today on Fifth Avenue but missed.

The incident occurred near 56th Street about 10:30 EST, shortly after the president tweeted, “I’M SOOO DISAPPOINTED AT MY LAWYERS. Such LOSERS!!! So VERY ANGRY! I want to go SHOOT SOMEBODY down on FILTH (sic) AVENUE!!!”

The tweet followed yet another catastrophe for the president’s legal team, who have been laughed repeatedly out of court for falsely claiming the 2020 elections were rigged. On Friday, a three-person U.S. 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals panel, made up entirely of GOP-appointed judges, including one Trump picked himself, refused to reverse a lower court’s ruling, and then, for good measure, ripped the lawyers a new arse.

“You are, by far, the dumbest, most incompetent, and clownish counsel that this court has ever had to suffer,” the ruling stated in its opening paragraph.

Police said Ellis, who once called Trump an “idiot” before realizing she could make a lot of money defending him, and Giuliani, who likes to play with himself in the presence of young female TV reporters, drove uptown, stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and opened fire with Makarov pistols gifted to them by the Russian Ambassador.

Despite the crowd of holiday shoppers, their shots missed badly.

Pundits are now left with the onerous task of deciding whether to dub Giuliani and Ellis “The Gang That Couldn’t Sue Straight” . . . or the one that couldn't shoot straight.

Friday, November 27, 2020

Mattel Sues McEnany for Trademark Infringement

By Jess Shutemi

Desert Rat News business writer

LOS ANGELES – Toymaker Mattel Inc. today filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

The civil complaint follows three cease-and-desist letters that attorneys for the El Segundo-based company have sent to McEnany since she assumed the position under President Trump in April.

Filed in U.S. District Court, the lawsuit alleges that McEnany’s dress, demeanor, makeup, and IQ are “a blatant ripoff of the most iconic toy doll in world history.”

The Barbie, based originally on a German street walker, was first sold in 1959 and has since had more than 500 makeovers.

“Defendant McEnany continues to exploit for her own personal and political gain the decades of creativity and marketing on the part of Mattel,” states the lawsuit.

McEnany – who has risen to fame recently by lying about everything Trump does – could not be reached for comment.

But her attorney, Bim Beau DuFender, said the lawsuit is without merit, pointing to a trademark action that Mattel filed against MCA Records and Danish rock band Aqua for the 1997 hit song “Barbie Girl.” Mattel lost after the courts ruled the song was protected as parody under the First Amendment.

“We will be making the exact same argument,” DuFender said. “It doesn't take a legal genius to see that Ms. McEnany is a walking, talking parody.”

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Mormon Church Investigates Desert Monolith

By O. Lee Sheet

Desert Rat News religion writer

SALT LAKE CITY – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints today launched its own investigation into the origins of a large steel monolith located in southeastern Utah’s redrock desert.

The shiny rectangular structure, about 12 feet high and a couple of feet wide and deep, was discovered by wildlife biologists in a helicopter who were monitoring wild bighorn sheep in the area. It is similar to a structure depicted in the landmark film “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

The Mormon Church dispatched a team of archaeologists from Brigham Young University to the site, and offered a reward of up to $1,820 for information on the true origins of the monolith.

Church spokesman Pat Rayark declined to comment on why the structure has attracted the attention of the church, but LaVarr R. “Mo” Skeptik, head of research at the Sunstone Education Foundation, speculated that it is simple jealousy.

“Remember that Utah’s Legislature is 90 percent Mormon. The governor is Mormon. The entire state supreme court is Mormon.

“You can bet your bottom dollar that the church wants to maintain itself as the state’s one and only monolith.”

Monday, November 23, 2020

Turkey Refuses Pardon, Will Proceed to Slaughter

By Imso Overu

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – The Thanksgiving bird selected this year for a presidential pardon said he plans to refuse the gesture and will proceed to his scheduled slaughter.

The White House over the weekend announced that President Trump would pardon Thomas B. Turchi, from Butterball’s North Division in Goldsboro, N.C., in the annual tradition in which the president uses his Constitutional powers to set one gobbler free for the holidays.

The president plans to sign the pardon proclamation today between the 13th and 14th holes at Trump National Golf Club in Loudoun Count, Va.

But in an exclusive interview with The Desert Rat News, a defiant Turchi said he wants no part of the lame duck's largesse.

“Just look at who else that yam-faced buffoon has pardoned,” Turchi said. “Blagojevich. Arpaio, Libby. Milken. Stone … No way do I want to be lumped in with that gaggle of looney loons. Trump can go cluck himself.”

Turchi, who weighs 16 pounds and already has had a pop-up thermometer surgically implanted into his left breast, is set for the stump and ax at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

Turchi becomes the first of his species to refuse the presidential pardon. Only one human has refused, in 1830, when condemned robber George Wilson told Andrew Jackson to stick his pardon where the sun don’t shine.