The Desert Rat News : 2020-12-06

Friday, December 11, 2020

Barron Joins Slovenian Circus, Begs Dad to Disown Him

By Yuro Traschgerle

Desert Rat News foreign correspondent

LJUBLJANA, Slovenia – Barron Trump, the youngest and most-promising child of one-term U.S. President Donald Trump, has fled the family dynasty to join the performing troupe Circus Slovenia.
The 14-year-old reportedly fled Mar-a-Lago two days ago in the bed of a pickup truck after disguising himself as an undocumented groundskeeper. He then reportedly boarded a plane at Miami International for eastern Europe.

In a TikTok video posted earlier today from atop Ljubljana Castle, Barron, who holds dual citizenship in Slovenia due to his mother, pleaded for the president to pardon him for being born a Trump, and asked to be disowned.

“Please, Daddy, please, do me this one favor,” he said in the video. “I cannot bear to be a teenager and a Trump at the same time.”

The president, who was golfing, could not be reached for comment, but White House spokesdoll Kayleigh McEnany reiterated that the 2020 election was stolen.

Thursday, December 10, 2020

Trump Commands Utah to End Protection of Seagull

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

SALT LAKE CITY – President Trump today ordered Utah to end state protection for the California gull, a bird that Mormons hold dear.

“WHY are you protecting a CALIFORNIAN?!?” the one-term president tweeted early this morning. “If Utahns loved me as much voted (sic), you wouldn't be a SANCTUAREY (sic) CITY for the damn California seagulls!!!”

Utah Sen. Mike Lee immediately called on the Utah theocracy to obey the yam-faced king.

“Remove protections for the gull!” the roly-poly Lee wrote on his Facebook page. Lee also said Utah church-state officials also should tear down the monuments to the California gull found on and near Temple Square downtown.

The gull achieved Biblical stature among Mormons in the mid-19th century, when church leaders decided they, like the ancient Jews, needed a miracle for themselves. As the story goes, a swarm of crickets descended upon their crops in 1848. The Mormons then offered thoughts and prayers, after which hordes of California gulls swooped in to gulp up the insects like grated-carrot-topped Jello salad at a church BBQ.

Decades later, the gull became the official state bird.

Though Trump publicly has tried to make the seagull issue political, a leaked White House memo indicates that Don Jr. requested the intervention because he needs something easy to kill on his next family vacation to Utah.

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Trump Supporters Outwit Desert Rat News

By Runford A. Hills

Desert Rat News staff writer

By demanding that the world give full credit to the president for the COVID-19 vaccine – but refusing to get vaccinated themselves – Trump supporters have upstaged The Desert Rat News in its quest to be the nation’s leading source of political funniness.

“This is outrageous! How can they be so ironic?” a visibly upset Malcolm Tent, editor and publisher of The Desert Rat News, reportedly yelled across the newsroom.

Tent also was angry that his writers didn’t predict that some Trump supporters in Georgia who claimed the November election was rigged still plan to vote in the January runoff.

Staff writers and mid-level editors were scurrying Tuesday to find equally funny storylines, while at the same trying to assure Tent that these Trump supporters were not being funny on purpose.

Monday, December 7, 2020

Republicans Yawn as Clinton Issues Pardons

GOP leaders confer in the Rose Garden

By Gerda Loadathys

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – Days after President Hillary Clinton issued a slew of pardons, Republicans remained silent.

“I haven't really thought too much about it,” said House minority leader Kevin McCarthy when asked about the pardons.

Clinton pardoned former President Obama, Ambassador to the UN Susan Rice and other State Department officials from any prosecutions for the deadly 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya.

The president also pardoned daughter Chelsea for no apparent reason, to which one aide quipped, “If she needs a pardon, she must be guilty of something.”

And in a move that is unprecedented -- and possibly unconstitutional -- Clinton pardoned herself for the email scandal in which she used a personal server for work and deleted thousands of emails.

Republicans have been highly critical of President Clinton’s handling of the Benghazi case when she was secretary of State, and have wanted to lock her up for the email debacle. Some pundits say the GOP leaders are silent because they want their own future president to have the same freedoms to abuse the pardon.

But renowned American history scholar Nozalot Morthanu dismissed that theory.

“The GOP would never support the pardoning of family or close friends or associates. And a president pardoning himself or herself? Republicans simply would not tolerate such a thing.”