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Desert Rat News staff writer
WASHINGTON – A number of hard-to-remove fecal stains left behind by the hillbilly terrorists who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6 have been named after the members of Congress who helped foment the violent insurrection.
The president of the Republican History and Preservation Society, I. Oui-D’Allover, explained that the stains were carefully curated and named to memorialize each senator or House member who voted against a constitutional process that has served the United States well for 234 years.
A bulging and oddly shaped brown-and-black hair-specked splotch behind the Sam Houston sculpture in Statuary Hall was christened the “Cruz Crapper.” It will memorialize the Texas senator whose fiery rhetoric helped persuade overweight, white, middle-aged men to put on their G.I. Joe costumes, invade the Capitol, assault police officers, and attempt to murder his colleagues.
A scat mark in the shape of a fascist fist salute is now the “Josh Blemish,” named for Missouri’s senatorial equivalent of Barney Fife, while the “Pete Sessions Shitstain” – from a small dump a rioter took in an obscure hallway – will honor the freshman carpetbagger from Waco.
A thin, pinkish excremental skidmark next to Brigham Young is now the “Chris Stewart Smear,” for the alt-right congressman from Utah.
“We cannot stress enough how elated we are that these ignominious bowel movements will not be forgotten,” said Oui-D’Allover.
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