The Desert Rat News : 2021

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Rioters’ Poopstains Named After Members of Congress

By Imso Overu

Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – A number of hard-to-remove fecal stains left behind by the hillbilly terrorists who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6 have been named after the members of Congress who helped foment the violent insurrection.

The president of the Republican History and Preservation Society, I. Oui-D’Allover, explained that the stains were carefully curated and named to memorialize each senator or House member who voted against a constitutional process that has served the United States well for 234 years.

A bulging and oddly shaped brown-and-black hair-specked splotch behind the Sam Houston sculpture in Statuary Hall was christened the “Cruz Crapper.” It will memorialize the Texas senator whose fiery rhetoric helped persuade overweight, white, middle-aged men to put on their G.I. Joe costumes, invade the Capitol, assault police officers, and attempt to murder his colleagues.

A scat mark in the shape of a fascist fist salute is now the “Josh Blemish,” named for Missouri’s senatorial equivalent of Barney Fife, while the “Pete Sessions Shitstain” – from a small dump a rioter took in an obscure hallway – will honor the freshman carpetbagger from Waco.

A thin, pinkish excremental skidmark next to Brigham Young is now the “Chris Stewart Smear,” for the alt-right congressman from Utah.

“We cannot stress enough how elated we are that these ignominious bowel movements will not be forgotten,” said Oui-D’Allover.

Monday, January 18, 2021

U.S. to Designate Pompeo a State Sponsor of Narcissism

Mike Pompeo

By Teika Hyke

Desert Rat News political editor

WASHINGTON – Hours before it will start making America leader of the free world again, the new administration announced it will place Mike Pompeo on the list of international State Sponsors of Narcissism.

President Trump’s top personal errand boy abroad since April 2018, Pompeo "has systematically destroyed democratic institutions and upended hard-won alliances around the world – all in unwavering loyalty and sycophantic self-subjugation to the Dear Leader,” according to a statement from the Office of the President-Elect.

“The Secretary of State has alienated America’s friends, misjudged our adversaries, coddled dictators, allowed attacks on journalists, and failed to defend his own colleagues, thereby running the U.S. Department of State – once an internationally formidable diplomatic force – into the ground.

“In short, Secretary Pimpeo (sic) has been very naughty,” the statement concludes.

Pompeo, whom historians consider the worst secretary of state in modern times, was dacha-hunting in Moscow’s western suburbs over the weekend and could not be reached for comment.

But his press office released the following statement:

“The Secretary does not dispute the typo. However, he is very upset to be designated a State Sponsor of Narcissism."

Sources told The Desert Rat News that the new administration's action caused Pompeo's face, normally pink like a Kansas sow's belly, to turn a ghoulish bright red, alarming the handful of staffers still left at the Department.

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Zuckerberg, Dorsey, DeVito's Stool to Star in 'Silence of the Ham'

Mark Zuckerberg

Jack Dorsey

By Wanda B. Astarr

Desert Rat News entertainment writer

LOS ANGELES – Tech giants Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey are slated to debut in their first motion picture, an action thriller about a duo of everyday Silicon Valley billionaires who finally turn on a monster they helped create.

Hollywood insiders told The Desert Rat News that “Silence of the Ham,” based loosely on actual events, has the two men team up to disarm a geriatric creature of powerful weapons of mass deception and misinformation that they had unwittingly gifted to it five years earlier.

The creature, known in the film as "Prosciutto di Parma-Lago" (portrayed by a decrepit orange Nerf ball), had grandiose dreams of forming an axis with Eastern European and Asian dictators.

The film also follows the story of the monster's legal adviser, Rudy Giuliani, a once-respected but now-deranged former human, who will be portrayed by a bowel movement provided by actor Danny DeVito. The actor's agent, Robert Steinem, declined to say how much the producers paid for the stool, but noted his client was "very satisfied" with the deal.

Danny DeVito's stool

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Nagging Ailment Kept President From Assault on Capitol

By G. Suss Vept
Desert Rat News staff writer

WASHINGTON – An unexpected flareup of an old ailment kept President Trump from making good on a promise to march with supporters on the Capitol, the White House confirmed today.
Moments after telling a crowd of right-wing terrorists that he would march with them up Pennsylvania Avenue, the president was incapacitated by extreme pain in both feet, according to Trump spokesdoll Kayleigh McEnany.
She said three bone spurs on the president’s left foot, and two on his right flared up unexpectedly.
“It’s tragic, very tragic,” McEnany said. “The president really wanted to march with the hillbillies, but he just couldn't. It's really a miracle that he was able to finish his remarks.”
It was not the first time that Trump’s grandiose plans had been thwarted podiatrically. In the late 1960s, a bone spur condition kept him from being drafted in the Vietnam War.
“The president could have been a war hero back then, and now, if not for the bone spurs," McEnany said wistfully. "He could have been that guy ransacking Speaker Pelosi’s office!"